Case # 1: A man was happily married for 15 years until his wife died of cancer. As long as they were happy, they did not try to analyze anything. They both agreed that sex was an important part of their relationship but did not investigate any further. She died of bone cancer. It was very painful. For the last two years, he could not even give her a hug. They were both surprised to see that the absence of sex did not change anything in their relationship. Why did something that both considered important disappear without making any difference? What was their relationship really based upon?

It is not always that way. They knew of another couple in a similar situation. Sex became impossible the day the husband learned that his wife had cancer. It was not his decision. It was a reaction out of his control. It was a very sad story. They divorced while she was dying. Why does the same cancer unite some people and pull others apart?

It is only after the death of his wife that he tries to understand what happened between them. They could both put their egos aside. That helped. You cannot imagine a happy couple where one is always using the other as an ego massage. The ego is what makes us say “I,” and this “I” needed another “I.” The ego may separate us from the rest of humanity, but we cannot separate ourselves from our ego.

They were careful to respect each other’s privacy. He would feel bad about asking something he didn't need to know. He would never ask where she bought her make-up or why she was late coming back home. That was only a detail, and it should not let details pollute a relationship. He knew that there was something more important. He was not sure what that could be.

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Case #2: It is the story of a couple who have been living together for over 25 years. We always saw them together. We were surprised to learn that each one owned his separate house, and the two houses were next to each other.

They said that the secret of their happiness was that the other was always free to go back to his house next door. They wanted to be together because they did not have to. They were like two stars turning around each other, united by their distance.

The relationship should respect individual freedom. You have to give total acceptance before you can receive total commitment. 

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Case # 3: A woman was working in her backyard. It was more than a backyard. It was a beautiful garden surrounding the house on three sides. We could not say what made it so beautiful. It could have been the harmony of the colors. Maybe it was the choice of the flowers unless it came from the balance of light and shade. There was beauty, harmony, and peace. It made you feel like a weight was lifted from your shoulders.

The woman said: “I don’t know why I keep working on this garden. My husband died two years ago. He worked a lot in this garden, and I worked alongside him. He was doing it for me, and I was doing it for him.”

Their garden was the symbol of what they wanted to share. Something beautiful that may require a lot of work and gives meaning to their life.